46,200 children in Australia cannot live with their biological parents and are currently in some kind of temporary or permanent foster care arrangement. This is a really big number and many of these children due to their experience of serious neglect, physical, psychological and or sexual abuse will have challenging behaviours.
As a foster carer myself I have a lived experience of how trauma profoundly impacts children and the way they interact with the world.
Trauma trains growing brains and bodies to be hyperalert, hypervigilant and hypersensitive to threat and danger. A young child whose safety is ongoingly at risk will not get the opportunity to develop and grow like the child who lives in a safe and secure environment.
How do we know whether a child is just being difficult or is having a trauma reaction? This may not always be easy and there may be other mental health issues presenting for a child that are not related to trauma, but below is a summary of what you might see in a child who has experienced trauma.
Children may display a lack of capacity to regulate their emotions and behaviour. This means that they find it really, really hard to calm themselves down, not only when they are upset but also when they are excited.
They can overreact or underreact, be too much or not enough. They can miss or misinterpret non-verbal messages and be angry and defiant for no apparent reason.
Their brains are hard wired for threat and can quickly default to the survival brain also known as the primitive brain which activates a flight, fight or freeze response.
Importantly the trauma brain doesn’t respond to the everyday strategies a parent or carer may use to manage a child’s behaviour. And unlike a child who is just being difficult, a traumatised child’s behaviour may be experienced by others as dramatic and way out of proportion to the situation they are confronted with.
Although anger and defiance are big demanding emotions, we also need to remember that there are less intrusive emotions that can emanate from traumatic experiences. A child becoming anxious, completely withdrawn and repeatedly disengaged may be trauma responses. Their calm, connected, peaceful brain is now out of reach, and they are in survival mode battling an avalanche of feelings thoughts and behaviours.
From my experience of working with and caring for children who have experienced trauma these sudden changes can be confusing and alarming for those around them particularly their peers. At school, children who have experienced trauma can be misunderstood, labelled as problems, lose friendships and become isolated.
How do we care for these vulnerable children and support them to be able to better regulate their emotions and reduce their challenging behaviours?
At the outset, I would like to say that not all strategies will work all the time and what works today may not work tomorrow. There is no magic wand that solves a child’s reactivity but a carers willingness to come back and rethink new ways of approaching challenging behaviours I believe is the key. We just keep trying!
So, with this in mind here are some things to do and think about….
The capacity for a carer to maintain a calm centred approach is so important in assisting a child to calm themselves down. Not only is a carer modelling a calming response, but they are keeping their own wise brain connected.
When a carer communicates to a child calmly it tells the child that there is a safe adult in the room who is taking care of things…something that this child may not have experienced before. Therefore, a carers self-care becomes a critical aspect of supporting a child to develop capacity to self-regulate their emotions.
As best you can, avoid taking their behaviour personally. Remind yourself that this is a normal response for a child with trauma. When you do take reactions personally it could be helpful to get some support for yourself.
As with any relationship the stronger the connection between two people the greater the level of closeness and trust. This is the same for carers with children. The time and energy a carer puts into developing a supportive, safe and connected relationship with a child the more likely a child will be able to listen and connect with the adult.
In the moment of a challenging behaviour a carer can also:
- Distract and redirect a child to something that is positive and engaging;
- Listen to the child and try to understand what they are saying and give them physical space if needed;
- Use a calm voice and slow movements to communicate with the child;
- Name the feeling the child is experiencing;
- Walk and talk with the child;
- For young children have sensory and movement activities they can access such as sand or water play, swinging, trampolining and running around outside;
- Include them in the activity that you are engaging in. This could be washing up with hands in warm water, loading the washing machine and hanging clothes out; and
- Catch the child engaging in positive behaviour and be very specific with praise eg name the behaviour “you shared your bike, blocks etc”; “you were able to wait your turn quietly, well done”.
Remember that for these children change takes time and comes from lots of small gains so keep going and seek the support you need along the way.